Thursday, October 3, 2013

Don't mind me, that's just how my brain works...

My brain doesn't work like most brains.

For example, I'll wonder what giraffes eat, so I Google it. Then I see, "What do giraffes symbolize?" and I click there instead because surely that is infinitely more interesting than what they eat. Apparently, they symbolize the ability to see
into the future. Then I begin to think, is the fact that I'm curious about giraffes and what they eat mean that I can see in the future? If so, does that mean I will see how I die, or how my friends are going to die? I can't handle that. I don't want to know. Why do I have to know that?

This is how my brain works.

It effects my decision making ability because I'm always thinking 12 different implausible hypotheticals that might happen and I need time to weigh all of them before I can decide the best course of action.

Because of this in a moment of crisis, I am not the right person to go to. You should see what happens when my gas light comes on in my car. I start breathing heavy, and calculating the miles it would take to walk to the gas station, and then I realize I don't have a gas can and I'll have to buy one and what if they don't have one. Bam, mini panic attack. I can't breathe right, my heart is pounding, I start to get really hot, it's awful. Some friends were in the car with me recently when this happened, I explained to them that this is how my brain functions all of the time. They are amazed I make it out of the house with clothes on each day.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking of the many stories I could tell you about the times my brain has gotten me into trouble this way. There was the time I accidentally set my Mom on fire while we were ear wicking (Google it) and couldn't figure out what was the most effective way to put the fire out so I stood there just saying "Oh, um, Oh, uh...". Until my sister realized what was happening and yelled at me to pour the glass of water I had in my hand on the fire that had slowly begun it's crawl from my Mom's slipper to her pants leg.

Then there was the time my friend went into a porta-potty toward the end of a night out and all of a sudden some guys rolled the porta-potty away, with her in it, but there was a cop eyeballing me because I was holding a cup of beer and I was afraid I would get arrested if I ran after her, so I didn't. I stood there and held my beer, yelling hopefully loud enough for the guys to hear me but not loud enough that the cop would think I was too drunk and arrest me. Because they would arrest me and I would go to jail. I didn't know how to make a shiv at that point in my life, so I was worried about the outcome.

I call these my "Thought Trains" and occasionally I change the words to "Love Train" and sing about them, but only when I'm alone. My most recent Thought Train has been the scariest of all for me. I'm currently separated, soon to be divorced and I'm 33. I want a child (just 1, I'm not sure I could handle 2 with all this going on inside my head everyday) very badly. So I think about doing it on my own, do I go the old fashioned way or adopt? I formulate plans in my head for both, I then wonder if I can buy a baby on Craigslist. Before I can begin the research, I think about how hard raising a kid on my own would be, I don't make a lot of money and kids are freakishly expensive. I really like to sleep too, and they are up all night having tiny baby parties.
I'd have to work 2 jobs to afford diapers, then I'd have to work a 3rd job to afford the childcare I'd need for the other 2 jobs. Then I wouldn't have time to dedicate to teaching them to be an awesome human because I don't want to have a brat for a child. And if my kid is uncool or likes Justin Beiber, I'm just not sure how I would handle that disappointment as a parent.

Basically, inside my head there is a whole lot of crazy. I live on the ledge and I'm constantly pulling myself off of it. Or at least that's what it feels like sometimes. I do my best to keep it in check but occasionally it slips up and 15 minutes of time can just pass by in a blur. If you are ever talking to me and I space out, I'm probably hearing everything you are saying, I'm just thinking about the hypotheticals. One day when I know how to save your unborn pony from a zombie attack at 20,000 feet, because I had already thought of that, you'll thank me for it. Well, as long as I have thought of that hypothetical.


  1. tiny baby parties had me cracking up. Enjoyed the post and looking forward to more!
    - Nicole

  2. Does this mean you know how to make a shiv now?

    1. I think I could now. I have more confidence in my abilities to MacGyver the shit out of something if need be.

  3. Haha I was going to ask the same question as Kellie... I can relate to this to a certain extent though I tend to go bat shit crazy in a moment of crisis and react the correct way but with 10 thousand times the necessary amount of effort (in essence creating a new crisis). Whatever you do, don't go see Gravity-- it will give you WAY too much to worry about in case you ever find yourself in outer space on a space walk.

    1. I have a vision of the Tasmanian devil flying through a wall or something, I love it. :) Glad I'm not completely alone in my craziness.

      No, I will not be going to see Gravity, lack of control causes me to panic too much and that seems to be the general premise. :)

  4. I LOVE what is inside your head! oh, and that baby will happen, and when it does it will be the luckiest kid because it will have such a cool mom!