Truth is, I've been down in the dumps. That might be a bit of a downplay. I've been down in the depths of hell below the dumps.
During one of my not-so-depressed times I remembered reading Allie Brosh's blogpost Depression Part Two and thinking it was the best explanation of depression I had ever seen. I'm sharing it with you now and hope that by reading it, you will get an idea where I'm coming from.
I've suffered from depression off and on my whole life. I've been medicated for it on multiple occasions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "Hey, I need a little help here." My problem is, I have a very "I can do it myself god damnit" attitude about everything.
Need a ceiling fan installed? I can do it myself
Need a mouse trapped? I can do it myself
Need to reach something on the top shelf? I will stack 2 stools unsafely, but I can do it myself.
This behavior can sometimes get me into troublesome situations and more often that not leads to injury.
Unfortunately, even though I know the signs of depression, I found myself going through the past few months thinking "I can do this myself. I don't need to go back on meds, I'm strong damn it. Everyone keeps saying so. All the time." And I haven't gotten help.
I had begun to feel as if my life was hopeless. I started to think of contingency plans for The Tiny Germans. I was in such a dark deep place, I didn't think I'd ever surface and honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to. Like Allie says "I don't necessarily want to kill myself...I just want to become dead somehow." That was exactly how I felt. I was just tired of existing, tired of being strong, tired of crying, tired of life.
Then, I had an epiphany type moment while I was laying in bed one night, I was doing my typical "this year has been awful, one of the worst of my life" pity party. Earlier in the day a friend had invited me to Christmas, I got to thinking about that and felt that I was actually looking forward to it and not just a "oh, this will be better than sleeping all day" way. That got me thinking about all of my friends who have been there for me this past year. How much they have done for me. How lucky I am to have them. Near and far, online and in person.
A dimmer switch was turned slightly and my complete dark became a little bit lighter. I decided I want to be around for my friends.
But yet, I didn't want to ask for help. Because...repeat "I can do it myself."
It took several long talks with people who know me very well, and a glimpse into what I could become if I didn't get help to make me realize it was time. I scheduled a doctor's appointment for Friday.
It's not easy for me to ask for help. It's hard and it's scary. But the alternative, isn't so great.
Anyway, that's why I've not been around much. Well that and I've been dealing with a Hipster Mouse in my House, a roof leak, a divorce and financial chaos. I'm no shrink but I think all of this might be related to my deep dark place somehow.
I hope to be back soon and better than ever.